Lamb: Guess I’ll stick with crutches
On my first morning back at work after arthroscopic knee surgery last week, a co-worker asked how I was feeling. Then she got to the gist of the visit.By: John Lamb, INFORUM
On my first morning back at work after arthroscopic knee surgery last week, a co-worker asked how I was feeling. Then she got to the gist of the visit.
“I was really hoping you’d come in wearing a seersucker suit and walking with a cane,” she said.
At least three other people commented on how I should have a cane. At first I brushed them off, saying I was surly and unkempt enough to need no further comparisons to TV’s gruff-but-genius doctor, House.
The more I thought of it, the more a cane seemed appropriate. After all, I injured the leg playing tennis, which ranks behind only golf, polo, elephant hunting and jai alai as gentlemanly sports.
Crutches work the first few days, but they don’t get you attention. Rap your cane on the floor, or against someone’s head, and you hear, “I’m sorry, sir, your table is now ready. Can we get you a bottle on the house for your wait?”
People with crutches garner sympathy and the tiring question, “What happened to you?” People with canes get immediate respect, or invoke fear, and the only question asked is, “Which ring may I kiss?”
While crutches are a sign of the infirm, canes are a sign of power. Tiny Tim from “A Christmas Carol” uses a crutch, even though his potentially fatal illness is never diagnosed. (Some believe it was kidney failure or even rickets.)
No one kicks butt on crutches, but cane-wielding tough guys have included most movie pimps, comic book heroes Daredevil (as alter-ego Matt Murdock) and Thor (as alter-ego Donald Blake), Charlie Chaplin, Gandolph (though technically that was a staff) and Minnesota Wild forward Derek Boogaard (though technically that’s a hockey stick).
So what kind of a cane to get? My mom’s father had a sword cane from his time with the Knights of Columbus, but since I was recovering from surgery, I didn’t feel the need to play with long, sharp blades.
The Web site www.fashionablecanes.
com features a wide array of walking aids, from the classic canes, to ones with flasks hidden inside, to the “hot” new “exact replica of Dr. Gregory House walking cane with flames.”
And for those who really want a sign of virility, there’s the bull penis cane. For $89 the man who needs a little extra help gets a taxidermy-treated male bovine organ stretched over a metal rod to ensure durability and studliness, err… sturdiness.
I’ll have to pass. Sure, with crutches I’ve been asked “What happened to you?” so many times I’ve become as surly as Dr. House. But it’s better than telling someone that unique walking stick is actually a bull thang and having them ask, “What’s your problem?”
Readers can reach Forum columnist John Lamb at (701) 241-5533
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