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Bender: Making North Dakota Great Again

A big wind made landfall here last week, and when I woke up the next morning, North Dakota was great again. 

One television anchor said she and her family went out to “show our love for the president.” I was a little surprised her objective report didn't include the phrase “glorious leader.”  Perhaps I woke up in North Korea.

Not everyone was happy. It is a statistical fact 41 percent of North Dakotans don't support the president. Eleven percent have actually been groped by him. This may explain why folks are increasingly desperate for medical marijuana to get here. “Please help us forget.” Don't tell me the president's not on something, too. He must be smoking covfefe during those 3 a.m. tweet sessions. 

We should legalize covfefe, too, once we figure out what it is. The downside of building The Wall is we'll no longer have easy access to covfefe pouring across our borders from Mexico. But we'll have jobs picking tomatoes, if we're not too busy mining coal, the energy of the future. A Dickinson company is in the running to build a prototype for The Wall. I hope they're better at it than the folks in my neck of the woods. Every time I drive to Lehr, there are cows on the road. We need better fences. Or more-obedient cattle.

You could tell protesters and counter-protesters apart in Mandan based on the spelling errors. I don't think racists should be against “Muslins." What would they do without sheets? White supremacist Craig Cobb was there. David Duke couldn't make it, because he was rallying support to defend statues of Colonel Sanders, Ashley Wilkes, The Dukes of Hazzard and Foghorn Leghorn. 

Some of the president's supporters yelled at Trump protesters to get a job. Silly. Everyone knows liberal protesters work for George Soros. I personally feel he should get more credit as a job creator. 

Trump supporters were apparently multi-tasking, working, while supporting the president. That's the sort of gumption that made America great before Obama made it un-great. To be fair, he did make Kenya great again. 

Most everyone was mad about Heidi Heitkamp flying in with President Trump. Liberals already think she's too far right. Republicans don't think she has enough deferments to even qualify for high office. The president said nice things about Heidi when he spoke, because he wants her to vote for tax breaks for the rich, to help out the poor. 

North Dakota is a shining example of giving tax breaks to rich guys. That has taken the pressure from property owners, who are more than happy to absorb the cost of tax breaks for Big Oil. Having too much disposable income can get downright confusing. I mean where do you invest — Wall Street or Russia? The easy answer is always invest in tax breaks for billionaires. 

This time, it's sure to trickle down. I'll bet oil typhoon Harold Hamm, who, thanks to North Dakota Republicans, could finally afford to fly in from Oklahoma to greet the president, threw dollar bills out the window of his Lear Jet. Technically, that could result in a $500 fine under stiff new littering penalties passed by Republicans to protect the environment. However, if you spill ten thousand barrels of oil in North Dakota, you just have to write, “I was a bad boy,” a 100 times on the blackboard. You have to ease into these things. 

I'm not saying we're easy, but all the light bulbs in Bismarck are being swapped out with red ones. It'll be purdy at Christmas. 

Bender is publisher of North Dakota weekly newspapers in Wishek and Ashley.