I'd like to begin this week by saying, "That darn Heidi Heitkamp." I'm referring to the column in which Mike McFeely ever-so-gently, in his curmudgeonly way, suggested Rob Port might try writing about someone other than Heitkamp. Like maybe Joel Heitkamp. I ain't exactly Sherlock Holmes, but if I were going after dirt, I'd start digging in his backyard. Someone once asked Willie Sutton why he robbed banks. "Because that's where the money is," he said.
I had a pretty good week. My lawyer, Sly M. Ball didn't get raided, and his paper shredder is working just fine. It's powered by a V-8 Cummins, which gets terrible mileage, but thanks to the rollback of fuel efficiency standards, he won't have to deal with a solar powered model.
I was just wrapping my head around this Tide pod trend when I learned that condom snorting might be a thing. Now, I'll have to sit down and have a talk with India about this. When we discussed the dangers of Tide pods, she assured me she had no intention of eating our laundry detergent because, and I quote, "You don't even buy the good tasting ones." Although I vowed not to become one of those parents complaining about "kids today," who talks about how I had to run uphill both ways in a blizzard when I went streaking, which was what we did for kicks, I can't help myself.
AIR FORCE ONE ANNOUNCEMENT—"Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing some... uh... turbulence. As we continue our steep descent into anarchy, please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position and that your seat belt is securely fastened. Before we crash, we'd like you all to fill out this brief questionnaire, the results of which will be shared with Cambridge Analytica. 1. Song President Trump often sings in the shower:
• "Good morning, students. It's time for announcements. The lunch menu today is hot dogs with macaroni and cheese. The vegetable is ketchup. Take that, Michelle Obama! Miss Swiffer from 4th grade will be walking point during recess. Also, I love the smell of napalm in the morning." — The Principal • "Even if you took away all the guns, people would still die of things like old age." —Guy Next to You at the Bar. • "Guns are not the problem." —Lone Gunman Spraying Bullets From a Rooftop
Well, the groundhog saw his shadow, so six more months of Mueller. The president might have basked for a while in the glow of his triumphant State of the Union address, of which a whopping 43 percent of Democrats and 109 percent of Republicans approved. Instead, he released The Memo, which instantly changed the tune from Kumbaya at a campfire to something from The Sex Pistols in a mosh pit.
It's getting interesting when it comes to what women can and can't do in North Dakota. In Wahpeton, there's a debate about a bar's request to permit lap dancing. Meanwhile, at Chick-fil-A in Fargo, a woman was kicked out for breastfeeding her baby. This is a place that makes a living selling chicken breasts, some of which are not even discretely covered by buns. They offer chicken strips, too, which, frankly, is a slippery slope that will inevitably lead to chicken strippers. The next thing you know, they'll be doing lap dances.
The year 2017 was the newsiest year on record according to statistics I just made up. Strike that. These are not alternative facts. This is based on actual gut feelings. And anonymous sources.
It will be interesting to see if the president can hold together The Party of Capitulation after Roy Moore's defeat. Divide and conquer. That's how you keep your job with a 32-percent approval rating. That and fear. Republicans saw what happened to Jeff Flake. It's more than party over people. It's about self-preservation.
A legislative committee will examine North Dakota's sexual harassment policy "to make sure it's up to date," said Rep. Al Carlson. "I'm hoping for visual aids," added a committeeman, panting slightly. Existing codes are located between weights and measures, buggy whips and the zoning of sod houses. Current statutes read: • A chaste woman shan't ride alone in a closed carriage with a man who is not a relative. • She may, however, signal her status with a fan. Fanning slowly means, "I am engaged." Fanning whilst disrobed suggests, "I am hotith to trotith."