A big wind made landfall here last week, and when I woke up the next morning, North Dakota was great again. One television anchor said she and her family went out to "show our love for the president." Not everyone was happy. It is a statistical fact 41 percent of North Dakotans don't support the president. Eleven percent have actually been groped by him.
If you didn't like Billy Kretschmar, the fault was not his. Billy was a fixture in the North Dakota House of Representatives from 1974 to 2016, with one lost election in between, and during that time most politicians would have developed fierce enemies. If Billy had them, I don't know who they are. When I deconstructed his career in a February feature story, I couldn't find anyone who had a bad thing to say about him. I tried.
Last week, a woman died protesting Nazis, mowed down by a white supremacist in a Dodge Charger. This president's reaction was to blame "many sides."
The next help wanted ad we run will go something like this: "JOURNALIST NEEDED: Must have strong language skills, a willingness to ask hard questions, and be able to take a punch." After Greg Gianforte, U.S. Rep.-elect from Montana, body slammed Guardian reporter Ben Jacobs last week, it became clear the trail blazed by Jesse "The Body" Ventura in 1998 had finally come full circle.
As a member of the Drive-By, Fake News, Pinko, Socialist, Leftist, Apologist, UnAmerican, Blame-America-First, Liberal Media, I have been checking my mailbox for the interrogation letter U.S. Rep. Kevin Cramer sent out the other day to suspected enemies of the state — you know, ABC, CBS and NBC. He is concerned about the liberal slant of facts.
I just realized my microwave popcorn is actually popping out Morse code. In Russian. If I'm translating correctly, Pootie wants me to drop some d-CON into someone's latte. Or maybe the word is DEFCON. I may have missed a dot or a dash. Probably no big deal. Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe. I've become suspicious of all my appliances. For instance, why does my can opener rotate cans only to the right? Is it a political statement? I suppose otherwise the people at Sunbeam would be accused of being Leftists. But, at least, we would all get our can openers for free.
It's almost halftime at the North Dakota Legislature, so last week I went to the state Capitol to monitor progress. I represented my newspaper as Newspaper of the Day, a program sponsored by the North Dakota Newspaper Association to foster better relations between the press and legislators. I guess I was an ambassador of goodwill. Because you know how lawmakers love to talk to someone who is always abusing free speech.
You are being rescued. North Dakota Republicans are taking North Dakota back. From themselves. In the immortal words of Stevie Wonder, who used to be a legislator from District 28, "Don't you worry 'bout a thing, Pretty Mama." And let me tell you, Al Carlson, another blind legislator, hates being called Pretty Mama. The mama part, anyway.
If you've been following news coverage about the pipeline, stop it right now. Especially if you're watching national and international news. What do professional journalists know that Facebook doesn't?
Hi folks, it's me, your intrepid reporter. You know, a member of the lame stream drive-by media. One of the people complicating the system with facts and research. Fortunately, many voters were able to see through that mask of deception and elect Donald Trump as president.