I speed-walk down the hallway to the gym where the kids play, where the well-initialed sign-out sheet rests on a foldable table. My work-appropriate heels echo in the after-hours quiet of the elementary school.
Eve colors at the table, alone except for the after-school staff. I'm the last parent to pick up. Again.
Back down the hall we rush. Clock's ticking. Got to get brother.
Owen sits in a gym, too, on the lap of a day care worker. I'm the last one to get here, as well.
In the back seat of my Impala they commiserate their fate-a mom who can't get out the office door by 5.
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I hunch over the steering wheel, my shoulders drooped from the mommy guilt. At least I remembered to pick them up, friends say reassuringly.
This isn't a role I'm used to yet. I've only been a 40-plus-hours-a-week-at-work mom for the past few months. We're still adapting as a family, figuring out how the laundry and housework and meal prep and volunteering and playtime fit into this new schedule.
I've been blessed during my seven years of motherhood to have options when it comes to my work-life (im)balance, and a husband who's supported my choices. I've held various part-time hours, done paid work from home, and spent two maternity leaves focusing just on the kids.
It's given me a unique perspective, having experienced each arrangement. I can relate to some of the stay-at-home mom's struggles, as well as the worries of the W-2 mama and the pains of the part-timer.
So which is the best, easiest, ideal solution for the modern mom?
Not a one.
My sanity was on the brink when I was home all day. Ask my husband, who found a frazzled wife ready to hand off her crying toddler at the end of the day.
I felt torn when I was part-time, never fully present at work or with my kids.
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And while my new role is professionally fulfilling, my heart breaks when Owen doesn't want to get dropped off or Eve complains about not having enough time to just play at home. I've mourned other aspects of the change, too. Owen and I can't share the middle-of-a-weekday activities Eve and I did. I'm saying goodbye to my Tuesday morning Mothers of Preschoolers meetings, though hopefully not to the friends I've made through the group.
No matter the hours, no matter the locale, spending your day as a mom and/or an employee in whatever ratio of those roles has its challenges-and benefits.
I've come to realize there may be no perfect arrangement for following both callings, but there is the right one, for you, for now. You just need to be brave enough to listen to what your heart says it is.
What's best changes, with the age of the child, and with your desires as a mom and a person. What works for one mom at one stage won't work for another mom in the same situation, or even necessarily for that same mom down the road.
Being at work feels right for me, right now, that the kids are a bit older. It's been an evolution, and I'm sure we're not done adjusting.
Now, if I could just walk out the door at 5.
