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Swift: So-called fashion faux pas for women in 30s are cringeworthy

You'll find many objectionable things on Facebook. For every story about puppies who rescued babies from burning buildings, you'll get three posts that are essentially chain letters, hate-ologues or commercials. Yet, even by Facebook's questionab...

Tammy Swift
Tammy Swift

You'll find many objectionable things on Facebook.

For every story about puppies who rescued babies from burning buildings, you'll get three posts that are essentially chain letters, hate-ologues or commercials.

Yet, even by Facebook's questionable standards, this blog post seemed cringeworthy. It was titled "24 Things Women Should Stop Wearing After Age 30," and it essentially made me want to spit up my gruel on my matronly housecoat.

Listing everything from graphic tees to blue eyeshadow, this ridiculous roster sounded like it was written by the nasty trio from "Mean Girls." Granted, I admit my short-shorts-wearing days are over (actually, they were over when I turned 8), but I still want to have some sense of fun and youth in my wardrobe.

Also, if this blogger thinks those in their 30s are too old to wear the following, I wonder what she thinks someone nearly 50 should wear. A poncho so no one can see my withered body? A loosely belted garment bag with wool tights and orthopedic shoes? An Amish grandmother/Mother Superior mashup?

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Here is a list of "What Not to Wear" after 30, which was written by someone named Kallie with a K:

"By age 30, women are expected to be a little more mature, and they should dress like it too. Here are 24 things no woman should be caught wearing after age 30," Kallie writes. (The traditional saying would be "caught dead wearing," but Kallie perhaps figured that we fossils are all so near the grave that we would be offended by that.)

• Graphic tees: I really had to object to this one, because how else am I supposed to flaunt my allegiance to the Minot Hostfest or the AARP?

• Bedazzled anything: She obviously has never seen me rock those culottes, in which a likeness of Lawrence Welk is created in rhinestones on my butt.

• Victoria's Secret PINK: "PINK is made and targeted at teens and college girls," Kallie snipes. The lesser-known Bea Arthur's DRAB is for the older set.

• Leopard print: Apparently, Kallie has never heard of Zsa Zsa Gabor.

• Oversized sunglasses: Because that frumpmeister Jackie Kennedy didn't know what she was doing.

• Non-matching socks: If the younger set does this, it's considered whimsical and free-spirited. If someone my age does it, it's considered a sign that you need to go into the home.

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• Furry boots. Silly girl. I never wear furry boots. I simply don't shave.

• Old sneakers. Really? Maxine from the Hallmark cards wears them with her housecoat all the time.

• Mini skirts. Apparently, Kallie hasn't heard of Tina Turner either.

• Hoop earrings. No way. But hoop skirts, much like you wore to your prom in the 1860s, are perfectly acceptable.

• Cropped tops. Because it's unappealing to see the stretch marks you may have obtained from incubating a human life and bringing it into the world. It's much more important that you look like Miley Cyrus.

So here's a radical thought: Wear what makes you feel good. And if that's spangly, leopard-print pants with a graphic T and platform flip-flops, have at it. In our ageist society, we need to concede that middle-aged women can express themselves, have fun with their wardrobe and even be sexy.

Be all that you can be, Bea.

Readers can reach columnist Tammy Swift at tswiftsletten@gmail.com

Related Topics: FASHION
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