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Lamb: Reality is 'Lamb of Love' not for me

In December 2006, Bret Michaels played the Moorhead pub the Broken Axe (now Usher's House) to a couple of hundred people. Friday night he played to a nearly packed house of about 1,400 at Dakota Magic in Hankinson, N.D.

Bret Michaels
"Rock of Love" star Bret Michaels played to a nearly packed house of about 1,400 Friday at Dakota Magic in Hankinson, N.D.

In December 2006, Bret Michaels played the Moorhead pub the Broken Axe (now Usher's House) to a couple of hundred people. Friday night he played to a nearly packed house of about 1,400 at Dakota Magic in Hankinson, N.D.

So what changed for Michaels in the past two and a half years to bring out more than 1,000 additional people? And to Hankinson, no less?

Sure, he's hit the road with his band, Poison, to play the oldies a few times, but Michaels himself has failed to score a big hit on any of his five solo records.

Forget the music. The big draw for the blond singer these days is his looking for love in all the wrong places - namely VH1.

With "Rock of Love," VH1 has dared to go where no show (at least since "Flava of Love," "I Love New York" and "Real Chance at Love" and until the current "Daisy of Love") has dared go before - deep into the shallow heart of a B-/C+-list celebrity.

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The concept is pretty basic. Set one "star" in a mansion with 20-some would-be suitors/attention-starved vultures who just happen to be aspiring models, fitness experts or adult entertainers and who may or may not still have lovers back home.

The "star" will act overly sincere in his/her consideration of these new best friends, who tackle challenges to show their recently discovered affection for the "star" - at least until all but one is dismissed at the emotional end to each episode.

Man, I could write one of these shows. In fact, I could "star" in it. I'm a single minor celebrity in this town. (At least the High Plains Reader's readers think so.)

Plus, I've got a name made for shows like this. That said, I rule out "John of Love" and "Love John." Perhaps "Lamb of Love," or the more provocative double entendre, "Lying with the Lamb"?

Contestants would win my affection by tackling my routine tasks. On Saturday mornings two would ride in the backseat as I take my mom grocery shopping. Whoever was best behaved would win the "Subaru Safari."

On Sunday night, two more would come watch the "Simpsons" and eat dinner with us for the "Clean Plate Club."

At nights, someone would have to watch the Twins games with me, then flip between "Baseball Tonight" and "The Daily Show" for the "Remote Control of My Heart."

I'd also need someone to keep me on task, keep me from staying out too late, keep me from eating too much bacon and make sure I balance my checkbook - since someone's got to pay "the winner."

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The more and more I think about it, the more it sounds like the only thing I'd win is a ball and chain.

Bret, you can have all the lights, cameras and tramp action. I won't find my true love on TV - unless she catches a home run at a Twins game.

Readers can reach Forum columnist John Lamb at (701) 241-5533

For 20 years John Lamb has covered art, entertainment and lifestyle stories in the area for The Forum.
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