Swift: Jogging jargon: How to talk to a runner

I would never mock runners.

For one thing, they can outrun me. For another, they could wrestle me to the ground and choke off my windpipe with their powerful hamstrings.

So in the interest of community-mindedness, I cheered on the jogologists as they motored by during this weekend's Fargo Marathon.

After all, I have more in common with these lithe gazelles than you might think. I, too, love shoes. I have been known to "hit the wall" - although mine usually involves the 19th spoonful of cookie dough vs. the 19th mile. And just as runners love to psych themselves up to "Eye of the Tiger," I like to hum that Survivor anthem while strutting to the vending machine for pickled eggs.

Even so, I get nervous whenever I have to visit with an experienced marathoner. My usual menu of conversational topics seems inappropriate. When surrounded by women with 15 percent body fat, it seems unwise to bring up my TV remote-related repetitive motion injury or my love for sour-cream gravy.

So in the interest of bantering appropriately with marathon-obsessed friends, I did my homework this year. That is, I perused running blogs for appropriate jargon.

In case you find yourself in a similar situation, I've included a brief quiz here to shore up your running knowledge for future marathons.

1. "Negative splits" refers to:

a.) Running the second half of a race faster than the first half.

b.) A particularly embarrassing cheerleading injury.

2. A "lactate threshold" means:

a.) The transition phase from aerobic to anaerobic running.

b.) The amount of cheese you can eat before experiencing severe gastrointestinal distress.

3. "VO2Max" is:

a.) The maximum amount of oxygen a person can extract from the atmosphere and then transport and use in the body's tissues.

b.) A popular conditioner from the '70s.

4. "LSD" is:

a.) Code for a "long, slow distance" run - anywhere from 5 miles to 25 or more.

b.) What I would have to take to run 5 miles.

5. "Couch to 5K" is:

a.) A beginner's running plan.

b.) A sad alternative to the "Couch to DQ" plan.

6. Please define "split shorts":

a.) They are higher-cut running shorts often used in racing.

b.) This is what happens when Steven Seagal tries to pick up a nickel.

7. An "easy run" is:

a.) A run at an easy pace done for recovery purposes or for enjoyment.

b.) A complete oxymoron for most of us.

8. "Hill repeats" are:

a.) Runs up a hill at a quick pace to build strength.

b.) Reruns of an MTV "reality" show about obnoxious blond people.

9. "Iliotibial band friction syndrome" is:

a.) An inflammation of the iliotibial band, which runs on the outside of the leg from the hip to just below the knee.

b.) The embarrassment you feel when you ask for "Rock Band," and your mom buys you the off-brand "Iliotibial Band," instead.

10. A "fartlek" is:

a.) A Swedish term for variable-pace running.

b.) A term guaranteed to induce snickering in any 12-year-old boy.

Readers can reach Forum reporter Tammy Swift at (701) 241-5525 or tswift@forumcomm.com