Dear Carol: My husband, 66, has Parkinson's and moderate Alzheimer's. For the past few years, he has accused me of stealing things that he later finds. And he's accused me of damaging some of his personal items.
He also has other symptoms of AD, including memory loss, not remembering what items are for, and not being able to remember how to get to his destination. He has isolated me from people, as he's always suspicious.
Even though I still work full time, he manages our finances, but now he's leaving bills unpaid and he won't let me help. I'm also sure he's giving money to unscrupulous causes, but he denies that. What are my options?
- Pamela
Dear Pamela: I'm wondering whether your husband always had a suspicious, controlling nature and that it's now intensified, or if this is new behavior. The end result, for you, isn't much easier, but you would at least have happier memories if this behavior is new.
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You need to be very sure the doctor knows all about your husband's behavior and any changes that occur, as there may be medical options that haven't been tried. If communication with your husband's doctor is impeded by your husband's presence, try sending the doctor an informative letter ahead of a regular appointment for the Parkinson's disease. The more information a doctor has, the better.
For you, I'd suggest online or in-person support groups. While support from other caregivers won't change your husband's behavior, you'll realize you aren't alone with your frustration and emotional pain. You can find community support groups, and get a lot of other information regarding his condition, by going to www.alz.org or calling your local Alzheimer's organization.
If you have no control over finances, that is another issue. It doesn't sound as though your husband will cooperate when it comes to changes, such as giving you power of attorney, so I'd suggest that you see an attorney knowledgeable about elder law to help you find ways to protect yourself financially.
You'll feel a little more in control if you seek outside help. The forum at www.agingcare.com is a good community for online support from other caregivers. Please consider that forum or other groups suggested by the Alzheimer's Association. Also, consider in-person groups. You may even want to consider counseling to help you emotionally cope.
It seems that for your health and safety you should at least consider a memory care unit for him. His paranoia and suspicion could turn into physical violence against you. Please take care of yourself, Pamela. You are in a precarious position.
Carol Bradley Bursack is the author of a support book on caregiving and runs a website supporting caregivers at http://www.mindingourelders.com/ .
She can be reached at carol@mindingourelders.com .
