Christmas is here. The weatherman on the news this morning is warning us of the impending winter storm, the kind that will blow cold arctic air in from Canada and give us a gift of a white and freezing holiday.
My husband will come home from work tonight after the sun has set and make little tweaks to the tractors and pickups, making sure they're ready to feed the cattle and plow through the snow banks for the rest of the season. Typically he and Dad would be making plans together to prepare for the snow, but Dad has the bigger task before him of fighting for his life in an ICU in Minneapolis.
And I can't help but think this holiday, as I wrap presents and struggle to form Santa cookies from the store bought, refrigerated dough so that Edie can slowly and meticulously place an entire bottle of sprinkles on one cookie, what a charmed life we've been living here.
The holidays, especially Christmas, can be a hard time for so many people. It was for us for many years before the babies came, because it was a small reminder of the absence of the thing we wanted most. But we were the lucky ones, always grateful for our family and that, because we live so close, we were usually able to be together.
This year my parents will be spending Christmas in a hospital in another state and we will be here at the ranch with their grandchildren celebrating and missing them. It's a reality that reminds me of the hard things in our lives that we've lived through - job losses, baby losses, career fails, health scares and near misses - that have set me back on my heels, forced me to catch my breath and had me declaring out loud, "So that's what it feels like."
It's a simple phrase, but one that is meaningful to me, especially in the toughest of moments. But I declare it. I say it out loud and with intention because it reminds me that through the hardest struggles, if I can find no meaning, no rhyme or reason for the pain, at least the experience will foster in me a newfound compassion for others who have or may find themselves suffering the same fate.
Up until this point in our lives I couldn't imagine what it might feel like to spend Christmas with my family anywhere but together, safe and sound. Now I'm suddenly so aware that, sadly, we're not alone in that sort of story.
And I don't know what to do with that awareness except to show gratitude for the moments we're given and for a supportive and loving community that has been there for us in numerous ways.
And I can pass on the generosity and compassion in ways that might help families in similar situations, because now we know what to do.
Now we know what it feels like.