Have you ever had a week where you feel like there's a dark cloud of bad luck following you around? I'm not talking about catastrophic events, but rather painful toe stubs, coffee cups falling randomly from the cupboard, a printer that will only print blue ink or a chandelier that quit working one day only to magically work again the next?
Yeah? Now imagine this is your life.
Seriously. I'm a klutz. A magnet for small disasters. A target for falling things.
Once, while painting our house, I got my head stuck in a ladder. Like, bad. And because I was all alone outside while my husband was inside working on another project, there was a legit chance I could have died that way.
I was stuck long enough anyway to contemplate the meaning of my last words to my husband. But no matter how I spun it, "Hand me that paint bucket, would ya?" just didn't seem like a profound send-off to the after life.
Anyway, I lived through that one to continue to make a dramatic story out of every family trip. Seriously. Once, we made it an entire 50 miles into a 500-mile road trip before we had to change every tire on the camper. EVERY. TIRE.
And after that, we hit a deer with the pickup we bought the week before, so yeah, why don't you ride with us next time.
If you like slapstick, hang out with me, a woman who has bigger ideas than the muscles attached to my flailing arms - flailing because bats seem to prefer to fly right for my head instead of the million miles of open sky available to them.
Hang with me if you like performing the Heimlich maneuver at restaurants because I'll likely inhale a chip. Or mistake wasabi for guacamole.
Come along and I'll tell you how I got my big nose from my dad ... and a flying sled and an unruly beer bottle, thanks so much for asking.
I mean, how many people have been smacked in the head by a 15-foot board flying off a trailer one day only to fall through the floor of a barn the next?
Have you ever witnessed a woman in her best dress fall directly on her face for no apparent reason, flashing her entire rear end to a restaurant full of strangers? No? You should have been there for that one.
And the time I bent over to retrieve a napkin and banged my head so hard on the kitchen table that dinner guests fell silent to watch those little cartoon bluebirds circle around my head.
How many times can a dad rush his young daughter to the emergency room for a crushed foot, a disjointed wrist or a smashed finger from an unfortunate incident between a 2,000-pound bull and a metal post?
How many times can a husband shake his head at his wife before his head actually falls off and he turns from bystander to victim?
Yeah, life's tough out here for me and my cloud, and I'd buy a helmet - but then I'd just be asking that coffee cup to fall on my toe next time.