Why I worry about what others think of me

The other night I sat in my children's room at bedtime, in the dark, silently crying to myself. The song playing on the bedtime playlist was "Christ, Be Our Light," but at that moment I just felt darkness.

A Facebook post from a friend earlier in the day came to mind in which she asked, "All of us seem to have a specific fear of what others will think of us, even if we know we shouldn't. What is yours?"

I realized that I worry that people will think my kids are hellions. Terribly behaved. Out of control. Selfish. And I worry about how that reflects on what others think of me as a mother.

It stresses me out, worrying so much about this perceived perception, that I, in turn, lash out at my children. I get so frustrated with their behavior sometimes, not because it bothers me that much, but because I worry about how it will bother others. I forget to put it in perspective for what is age-appropriate. I get caught in the moment of anguish and all my good parenting advice of staying calm, patient and loving goes out the window. I yell.

This is what happened the night of the bedroom tears.

In my shame, it occurred to me that I was so busy worrying about what others thought of my children, that I forgot about the opinions of those who matter so much more: my children.

Instead of fixating on what outsiders might build up in their minds, what I should be focused on instead is answering the question, "What do/will my children think of me?"

While I don't care if they ever think I'm cool by adolescent standards, I care deeply that they find me admirable. I want them to look up to me, to be inspired by who I am and how I deal with others, both in close relationships and not. I want them to think of me as someone who gave of herself, held boundaries, didn't raise her voice over petty grievances, stood up for what she believed in, communicated clearly and calmly, and made those around her feel loved.

In short, I want my children to think of me as someone whom they themselves would be proud to be.

But oh dear do I fall embarrassingly short.

I pray about it. I apologize when I make a mistake. And I keep hoping that all of the good memories we make together will outnumber the times I have let them down.

More than anything, I want to walk my talk. It's unfortunately easy to tell our children, "Do as I say, not as I do," while rattling off platitudes for childhood such as "Treat others the way you want to be treated" and "Be a friend to those who don't have any" while snapping at my husband or always sitting with friends, instead of the new faces at school or church. I encourage my children to give me reminders when I need to shape up, as I'm constantly dishing them out myself.

Think what you want of me; that's your business.

My business, for the rest of my life, is here under my roof, impressing the minds, souls and hearts of these children who no one else can love like I do.

Nicole Welle is a life coach and mentor, helping moms find fulfillment and live their authentic purpose. Nicole lives in West Fargo with her husband, two sons and one daughter. You can find her online at www.nicolewelle.com .