You've Got Male: Your man, his manhood and the 'F' word

Good news, ladies: Your man - and his manhood - aren't under attack.

As we speak, a whole bunch of other people are trying very hard to convince you - and him - otherwise. They're insisting he's become weaker, softer. They're lamenting his sensitivity, his domesticity, his fashion sense.

They're sneering words like "feminize" as if becoming more like a woman is the worst thing that could happen to him.

It's not a new argument. People have been doing it ever since the first Neanderthal, unimpressed by his cave-buddy's rock-hurling skills, grunted his put-down of choice: "Thog throw like girl."

But as gender roles have become less rigid and society has embraced crazy notions like "ladies can do stuff," it's one that's gotten louder.

In recent months, I read a New York Times debate asking "Are Modern Men Manly Enough?" I've been pitched an interview with a talk show producer who promises "to poke at hot-button topics that reawaken sedated and domesticated men."

I've heard from Craig, who wrote to tell me: "Strong men today have become a dying breed" He added: "I have read The Forum for many years and your website has become so feminized in the recent years it is disgusting."

There's that nasty word again - feminized.

Disgusting.

Some people sound the alarm about your man's manliness because they want you - and your man - to think, act or vote a certain way.

Many of them do it because they want you to buy something to remedy the situation - remember the Super Bowl a few years ago in which every ad was essentially a public service announcement about the downfall of masculinity, which Old Spice or Dodge or Snickers kindly offered to reverse?

Many do it because they're scared of the recession, the future or change. And many more do it because it reminds them of the good old days when men were men, women were women, Russia was the bad guy, Clint Eastwood was the good guy and the world made sense.

Never mind that those good old days were a lot better for some people (spoiler alert: it was men) than for others. Or that stuffing all men into that little narrow box of stoicism and power and chest hair wasn't that great for men, either.

Men, these people insist, are supposed to be decisive, capable and steely, and women are supposed to love it.

It's no wonder Barb is having trouble. She writes:

"I would like to know why is it when it comes to anything mechanical or 'manly' work, that my husband is the only person in the house who knows how to fix it.

"It's like we have jumped back a few decades and I should be contained to the kitchen. The all-powerful and mighty man of the house will fix it, stand back and watch as I beat my chest! Ugh."

Barb's husband, I'd venture, has bought into the noise: He was put on this earth to fix that sink or put up those shelves. If he doesn't do it - worse, if he lets his wife do it - he's failed as a man.

Personally, I don't understand the appeal. I hate manual labor, or responsibility, or work in general. I don't want to run a household so much as I want to lounge in it.

If a take-charge woman with a high-powered career were looking for a trophy husband to do nothing but stay home, play tennis and look pretty, I'd sign up faster than you can say "role reversal" (dear take-charge, high-powered women of Fargo: you know where to find me).

But Barb's husband doesn't seem to feel that way. So here's what you do, Barb: Next time he tries to box you out of home repair or some other critically manly task, smile, put your hand on his shoulder and tell him he's doing just fine.

He's not losing his manliness or his place in the world. He still holds the vast majority of elected offices, runs the vast majority of companies and makes more money for doing the same jobs you do (he should really take a critical look at all those things, but you can talk about that later).

Tell him he's not morphing into some powerless, androgynous blob, and he's not under attack.

Then take whatever manly tool he's holding out of his hand and tell him you've got this one. Because ladies can do stuff. "Feminize" isn't a dirty word. And he'd better get used to it.

Forum reporter Marino Eccher wants to answer your tough questions about the male in your life. Send them to shesays@forumcomm.com or Attn: You've Got Male, The Forum, PO Box 2020, Fargo, ND, 58107.