Maybe the green represents big bucks
Things you can learn about the plot of the next Harry Potter book just by looking at the cover art:
• Given his prominent placement on the cover, it is unlikely that the first line of the book will be "Harry was surprised and saddened by Dumbledore's sudden death, and he vowed to never think of the old wizard again."
• Harry is getting older, but he's still not old enough to get bifocals.
• Harry will learn a powerful new spell that will help him fight off the forces of darkness. Or perhaps somebody just spiked the punch bowl for Hogwart's junior prom.
• The lady who illustrates the covers ran out of blue paint on The Order of the Phoenix, so she had to switch to green.
• We still can't determine the identity of the half-blood prince, but we can safely assume that this mysterious figure has been supplying Harry with all the fixings for his awesome, glowing bong.
He must be a great ventriloquist
Headline in the Chicago Sun-Times: "Cell phone explodes, burns man's buttocks."
It takes energy to be this stupid
Police followed a trail of stolen food to catch two people who allegedly broke into an Adelaide, Australia, school.
Police said thieves broke into the canteen at Woodville High School about 2 a.m.
Two men were spotted running from the area after patrols arrived, they said.
"There was a short foot chase across a nearby oval with police following a trail of iced coffee and cookies," a police spokesman said.
Two suspects were arrested a short distance away.
They forgot 'Compiling The Rail'
The top four euphemisms for filling idle time:
• Shampooing the toupee
• Heading the Democratic National Committee
• Compiling data on the utility of co-managed project workflow vis-a-vis transitioning material from a pre-final phase into an infra-final... is he gone yet?
• Tutoring Paris
To contact The Rail, send an e-mail to features reporter Tom Pantera at firstname.lastname@example.org and he'll forward it to the writers.
Today's best bet
"Don't Hug Me," musical comedy centers on Bunyan Bay, Minn., and the Scandinavians there, 8 p.m., Dakota Regional Center for the Arts, New Rockford, N.D.