Okay, I'll bite. I was just going to discuss the weather and write this column with a Sharpie, but while grading Raheem Williams' Sept. 8 thesis in The Forum of Fargo-Moorhead, “Abortion and bodily autonomy: A refutation,” I had an epiphany.
I used to think that abortion was the place where columns go to die, but after reading Raheem's scintillating debate with himself — spoiler alert: he wins and loses — I realized that women probably just can't get enough of men pontificating about female reproductive rights.
Conversely, my May 23 column about regulating American penises was a flop. Forget I even mentioned it. As one guy scolded, “That's no way to freedom.”
Meanwhile, don't you worry your pretty little heads, ladies, we'll decide what you can and can't do with your little happy place. And while you're up, can you get us a beer? Later, Raheem and I will assemble my new grill — where's my jackhammer — and on Thanksgiving, we'll burn down the garage with my turkey fryer.
I suppose the reason you don't hear many women reject the concept of “bodily autonomy” is because the issue is too confusing for a female brain that's consumed with cooking, cleaning, and pedicures, and even if they did understand what all the fuss is all about, it takes masculine courage to speak out in defense of pregnancy like Raheem did.
Just like he defended assault rifles on Aug. 18. Other spoiler alert: Gun bans don't work. But an abortion ban would. Presumably, because we'd use guns to enforce it. Also, “in America, bicycles and swimming pools kill far more children than school shooters do.” Yes, we've met the enemy, and it's Schwinn.
And we haven't even touched on turkey fryers. The next time some do-gooder invokes Sandy Hook, just remind them that at least those ever-so-precious children weren't immolated in a grease fire.
That's all basic Republican logic, but in one glaring respect, Raheem is an anomaly in The Party. He believes in science. He wrote, “Over 95% of biologists affirm that human life begins at fertilization.” Hold it! I thought this was a religious issue. This changes everything!
But do you really want to drag science into this, Raheem? You may get exiled to Kansas City with those USDA scientists. The good news is, “they got some crazy little women there.” The bad news is, it's smack dab in the middle of freaking hurricane alley.
Raheem didn't mention the rescue mission to save all those human lives residing in Petri dishes at fertility clinics across the country. It's probably a hush-hush operation. Don't tell the president or he'll announce it on Twitter. Anyway, an embryo in utero is much more compelling politics. It's a lot like real estate. Location is everything.
Now, far be it from me to refute Raheem's refutation, but on one small point, I must. He wrote that pregnancy is a “temporary condition.” Yeah, well, anyone who's funded braces, health insurance, cars, and tuition, knows “temporary” can last a long time. But I trust Raheem's think tank is feverishly crafting a plan to ensure that no state-mandated embryo will ever go without the basic necessities, from the cradle to the grave. Of course, with all the killer bikes out there, that might not be long at all.