Now that Bismarck's right-wing goon squad won the all-important fight against alley art by threatening a night of broken glass, it's time to help North Dakota's capital city find a mural with which it can live.
If Greta Thunberg, a 17-year-old girl trying to make the world better, is a step too far, that probably leaves out Nancy Pelosi, a 79-year-old woman trying to save the nation from a Republican gangster.
The list is narrow, given the capital city's preferences. Even Melania Trump might be disqualified, given she's an immigrant gobbling up government resources.
Here are five suggestions for our friends in Bismarck, agreeable enough that the snowflakes there won't melt.
Donald Trump: Imagine a 200-foot high depiction of Dear Leader on the state capitol building. This is art around which all of North Dakota could rally, or at least 63% of the state minus those farmers who've gone bankrupt. Picture a "The Creation of Adam"-style piece, with Trump reaching to touch Kelly Armstrong, with John Hoeven partially obscured behind Armstrong because he's trying to hide and Kevin Cramer partially obscured behind Trump because he's trying to plant a kiss.
Stephen Miller: Trump's dead-eyed immigration henchman would make a fine subject for a propaganda-style mural, circa 1930s Germany, portraying the glory and power of the original Bismarck settlers. No, not the original original settlers. The ones that came after them, in the late 1800s and early 1900s from Europe. You know, the immigrants.
Harold Hamm: The oil tycoon is longest serving governor in North Dakota history, a stretch that has spanned the terms of lieutenant governors Hoeven, Jack Dalrymple and Doug Burgum. His time in office is made all the more remarkable by the fact he lives in Oklahoma. That's worthy of a mural, perhaps one showing Hamm backing up a Brinks truck and googly-eyed state legislators shoveling tax breaks into it.
Bette Grande: Bismarck writer Clay Jenkinson suggested Sarah Palin would be a popular subject for a "Drill, baby, drill" mural. That's so 2008. How about our local climate-change denier? Employed by the Heartland Institute, one of the leading voices in climate-change denial for years, Bette dutifully shills all things carbon in her weekly Forum column. Envision a mural of her standing underneath a gusher wearing a coal-miner's hat while people are getting cancer from a wind turbine in the background. The wind turbine would have to be in South Dakota, though, because that's where North Dakota will soon be buying its wind power from. One potential hangup: Grande was once a 17-year-old girl, thus far a mural disqualifer.
Rush Limbaugh: The broadcasting giant spawned generations of wannabes in radio, television and blogging, including many in North Dakota. His (and their) brand of white male grievance outrage reliant on racism, misogyny and homophobia is a major reason why places like Bismarck are what they are today. Perhaps a takeoff on another Michelangelo piece, "The Last Judgment" would be an appropriate mural. Whether Limbaugh would belong on the left or right side of the piece (heaven or hell) depends on your view. His former housekeeper most definitely deserves the left lane.