Sullen, angry, and afraid is no way to go through life, Republicans. I get that it's been a rough month. First, Congress makes Juneteenth a national holiday, then the Supreme Court upheld ObummerCare for the third time, “they're” teaching Critical Race Theory in our schools and it's Pride Month. Republicans can't even enjoy a rainbow anymore because it proves that God is a lesbian.
Despite all the oppression and valid reasons for panic, one can't help but think that Republicans are just born that way and emerging from the womb yelling, “Hey you Marxists, get off my lawn!” The Republican babies that aren't eaten by Democrats in pagan rituals, anyway. But heck, even that hardly happens, anymore. Not in this economy. Have you seen the price of babies lately? Thanks, Biden. Even Hillary's had to cut back. Maybe Soros will set up a soup line one of these days. (Toddler noodle soup, anyone?) And for God's sake, people, get your babies vaccinated so we can track them in case the price drops. We're all in this together.
Pro tip: For Democrats on a budget but still wanting to exercise freedom of religion, goats remain affordable and will mow your lawn for free. Why, just the other day, I sacrificed a goat on the driveway; it rained like hell, and then there was a rainbow, so I know God was pleased. As were the coyotes. Another pro tip: Sweet Baby Ray's is the way to go. Even on goats. Another good thing about goats is you don't have to change their diapers.
Yes, I know times are tough. Everyone wants a handout. “The Blacks” even expect free water when they're (not) experiencing climate change while waiting in line to vote -- and did you know that according to statistics I just made up because I'm channeling my inner Tucker Carlson, 92% of hydrated people vote Democrat? Clearly America's going to hell in a handmaiden. If only we had more goat sacrifices in our schools, this wouldn't be happening.
And fewer windmills. For one thing, it's made hunting ridiculously easy. Come autumn, I just camp under a wind tower and 15 minutes later I have my limit. One time it took me 45 minutes, though, so I started wearing my orange pants backward because I'm superstitious. Since then, I'm plucking ducks by 9 a.m.
Republicans say they're misunderstood. Sure, their alphabet stops at “Q,” and just because by March 24 they'd introduced 361 bills in 47 states restricting voter access, it doesn't mean there's anything to this Critical Race Theory. It's not that they're afraid. Or sullen and angry because they're outnumbered by 7 million voters; it's about economizing. Fewer votes mean faster results with less manpower. Plus, there's a bamboo shortage.
Sure, you may think that these are big-city problems, nothing we have to worry about out here on the prairie. We can just lean back and enjoy the drought, right? Not so fast, Jethro. Heck, just last week, critics of Critical Race Theory critics disrupted an anti-CRT convention in Moorhead, as reported by the No. 1 Republican talk show host in his studio. There was shouting (gasp) and one woman was arrested, thank goodness, before she could beat any cops to death with her hammer and sickle flag. Now, that's what an insurrection looks like.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.