Hey slackers, did you really think you were going to get away without a current events review before the semester ends? Oh, no—Jim Acosta is back so you know the fake news spigot is going to be running wide open.
Pull up a desk, kids, stow the cell phone, grab a No. 2 pencil, eyes straight ahead, and begin. Let’s see if you’ve been paying attention.
1. As the Spice Girls prepare for a 2019 tour, who remains the fan favorite?
- a. All Spice
- b. Old Spice
- c. Pumpkin Spice
- d. Nancy Pelosi Spice
2. A Trump Thanksgiving tradition:
- a. Detaining Pilgrims
- b. Grabbing them by the giblets
- c. Don Jr.’s Cooked Goose
- d. White Friday
3. Country Music Legend Roy Clark died while…
- a. Pickin’
- b. Grinnin’
- c. Smirkin’
- d. Alone in a room with Hillary Clinton under suspicious circumstances
4. Elections in Florida are decided by:
- a. Rock, Paper, Scissors
- b. Jimmy Buffett
- c. Reverse Osmosis
- d. the following calendar year
5. Things President Trump would do if it wasn’t raining:
- a. Rush into an active shooter situation
- b. Get really tough on Saudi Arabia for murdering U.S. residents
- c. Rake the forest
- d. Support the troops
6. Why Heidi Heitkamp hasn’t congratulated Kevin Cramer yet:
- a. Harold Hamm is still screening his calls
- b. Verizon blows.
- c. Testing his pain threshold
- d. She’s too busy obsessing about Rob Port
7. Now that he’s out of the legislature, Al Carlsen will:
- a. Take a side gig landscaping the governor’s mansion
- b. Really get on his wife’s nerves
- c. Sing Weezer songs at karaoke every weekend
- d. Get hella wasted
8. Things that spoil Thanksgiving:
- a. Grandma wears a MAGA cap.
- b. Becky’s new boyfriend freestyle raps the prayer
- c. Green Bean Casserole again
- d. Hoarding the giblets
9. Two words that rile up conservatives:
- a. Blue Wave
- b. Income Equality
- c. Caravan Invasion
- d. Happy Holidays
10. Top priority at North Dakota State Legislature in 2019:
- a. Tax breaks for struggling Oklahoma and Texas billionaires
- b. Slash rural funding; blame local governments for fiscally irresponsible tax hikes
- c. Decide where in Mandan Erin Oban’s parking spot should be
- d. Craft a Recreational Hypocrisy Bill
Bonus: Who really discovered America?
- a. Christopher Columbus
- b. Leif Ericksson
- c. Al Jaeger
- d. Ancient Aliens
Answers: 1. d; 2. d; 3. d; 4. b; 5. c; 6. b; 7.c; 8. d; 9. d; 10. c; Bonus: b. Grading: 11-9 correct: Nice, but sorry, no prize money. George Soros’ check didn’t clear. We’re paying you in soybeans. 6-8 correct: You have so much potential if only you applied yourself. 3-5 correct: What!? Did Measure #3 pass? 0-2 correct: Congratulations, you are the recipient of the Janne Myrdal Scholastic Achievement Award.