If there's anything that terrifies North Dakota Republicans, it's socialism. That, and democracy, judging from the plethora of bills in Bismarck aimed at thwarting “the mob's” vote on constitutional measures. The fear of socialism has been amplified—to adapt a tired phrase — by their conservative “mouthpieces in the media”. Also, Heidi Heitkamp is bad.
The first thing Rep. Kelly Armstrong (R-N.D.) did when he got to Washington was attack socialist darling Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for not having her facts straight. However, she was surgically precise while questioning Michael Cohen during the undemocratic Democratic witch hunt. Armstrong did OK for a man with ants in his pants.
With Sherlock Holmesian acumen, Armstrong deduced that Cohen's a liar, and if there's anything Republicans can't abide, it's a liar. Make America Truthful Again! He's also concerned about attorney-client privilege, which isn't really a thing if the attorney and client are conspiring to commit crimes. Not that it happened. No collusion!
I don't think Armstrong raised the specter of socialism at the hearing — I tuned out early because his fidgeting made me nervous — but he had the company line down pat earlier in the month: “Socialism flies in the face of North Dakota values and individual liberty.”
Noted independent thinker Sen. Kevin Cramer (R-N.D.) chimed in, “Donald Trump said, we must never let our country become a socialist nation... We can't let Democrats successfully pull North Dakota toward this harmful liberal agenda.”
Indeed, the sky is falling. It's raining socialism in North Dakota. As the Bank of North Dakota approached it's 100th birthday last month, Republican Gov. Doug Burgum tweeted, “Socialism has no place in North Dakota.” In comedy, timing is everything.
The Gospel of Greed is simple: Nobody ever got rich by sharing. They just made the world a better place. Suckers. The truly enlightened know you can ignore Bible verses about being your brother's keeper — just sit in the front pew and point fingers at the poor. Put a crucifix around your neck, a flag pin on your lapel, and tell them to try harder. To be fair, the meek would have inherited the earth long ago if it weren't for the death tax.
Jesus made few mistakes, but had he invested those fishes and loaves instead of feeding the masses, we wouldn't be in this mess. We'd be in a totally different mess. Instead, we have slackers with their Obama-phones, on the couch, watching Bernie Sanders speeches, waiting for their fishes and loaves to come in the mail.
I blame this socialist indoctrination on Romper Room, because Miss Nancy made sure even the black kid got a cupcake. Forget sharing, with a modest 10 percent annual return, she could've done much better in the stock market. And today, we've got “loser teachers” jamming socialism down our kids' throats instead of cupcakes.
Eventually you'll be forced — probably at gunpoint, if all guns haven't been confiscated by then — to get healthcare, which will deny you a patriotic death in capitalist dignity because you couldn't afford insulin. It's about freedom. Rugged individualism. Values. Let's not make the same mistake Jesus did. All for one and all for one.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.