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Bender: A day in the life of a patriot

"So what if Trump tried to overturn the election — and I'm not saying he did, but when that many voters are wrong, somebody's got to do something to save democracy.'

Tony Bender
Tony Bender
Contributed

Dear Dairy,

On Jan. 6, I was gonna sleep late on my technologically superior pillow made with advanced marketing until I heard Fake President Joe Brandon saying fake things on the fake news: “For the first time in our history, a president had not just lost an election, he tried to prevent the peaceful transfer of power as a violent mob breached the Capitol.”

Ha! Everyone knows it was Antifa. Just like when the British dressed up like Indians to make people think it was the Colonists who stormed the Tea Party. Heck, that's what started the Civil War.

I've had it with infidels blaspheming the name of our Lord and Savior Orange Julius Caesar Trump. Besides, so what if he tried to overturn the election — and I'm not saying he did, but when that many voters are wrong, somebody's got to do something to save democracy.

I'll tell you, Dairy, I got so steamed, I stormed my coffee maker so I could get out there and America. Unfortunately, I was down to two KKK-cups. I demand an audit!

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While I was in the kitchen, I was stormed by my dog Benedict, barking furiously.

“What's that, boy? Timmy's in the well?”

Nope, he was hungry, and before you get the idea that I'm running some kind of entitlement program, be assured that Benedict pulled himself up by his paw-straps and is gainfully employed as a watch-pug. He'll attack anyone in uniform — and Jehovah's Witnesses, because they believe in the wrong Jesus.

Blessedly, Scott Hennen's radio program was there to calm me on my drive into town. He explained that Jan. 6 had been blown out of proportion, and he should know, he was there that day to stop the steal. Besides, even if some patriots threatened to hang Mike Pence, and I'm not saying they did, he had it coming.

Then I tuned in a Fargo station, to see what the Commies were up to, and heard that John Hoeven had bet a Montana senator on the Bison game. The winner gets steaks; the loser has to wear the opposition's jersey. Now, that's leadership.

After grabbing coffee at the supermarket, I stormed the pickled herring and the Ricola cough drops. Don't leap to conclusions! It's just a fever, chills, and loss of taste and smell. As long as I can yodel, I know it's just a cold.

I also got a newspaper. Don't think I'm funding those leftist enemies of the state, either. I shoplifted it. Anyway, that rag reported that Rep. Armstrong believes that Jan. 6 has been politicized. Agreed! I second that demotion! We should stop politicizing politics. Just because an organized mob in cahoots with members of Congress tried to overturn an election doesn't mean we should make a big deal about it. Unless it's the Democrats. Then, we oughta storm those SOBs.

I stormed the school on the way home to protest Critical Rage Theory even though we homeschool. I did wear a mask … mostly because I didn't want them to recognize me if they called the cops. After quoting Joe Rogan verbatim, I stormed out, and it would have been a glorious exit if I hadn't got my antlers caught in the doorway.

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Dairy, I'm doing my part to make 'Murica great again.

Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service. This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of this publication, nor Forum Communications ownership.

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