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Bender: It smells like freedom

"When all has settled from this legislative dog-paddling, both sides will claim progress but you'll still be able to open-carry your Kalashnikov into Chipotle like a real American — just in case some of them there illegal indigents get your order wrong."

Tony Bender
Tony Bender
Contributed
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Let's see, where were we? Oh, yeah, school shootings. Twenty dead in Texas. That's where Sen. John Cornyn, the top Republican negotiating bipartisan gun legislation, was heckled at a GOP convention June 17 with people chanting “no red flag,” a proposal that would disarm people considered to be a danger to themselves or the community.

Did I mention that happened in Texas? Republicans there don't seem especially broken up about mass shootings.

So, relax, Patriots, no one's going to pry your AR-15 from your tiny, cold, dumb hands. Negotiations are at an impasse and even when they do pass something, it'll be as watered down as the open bar at a Baptist retreat, even though increasing numbers of responsible gun owners are willing to be thoroughly vetted. They get it. The crazies are dragging everyone down.

Those opposing red flag laws hate the idea because they're not convinced they could pass the sanity test. Now, there's a red flag for you.

When all has settled from this legislative dog-paddling, both sides will claim progress but you'll still be able to open-carry your Kalashnikov into Chipotle like a real American — just in case some of them there illegal indigents get your order wrong.

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Reality check: %his won't be settled in your lifetime, which may not be that long, anyway, considering the constant hail of bullets in the air. So let's do what the NRA suggested 10 years ago — put armed guards in public schools. This is where we are, 'Murica.

The estimate by a Cleveland State University study back then was $13 billion. However, when you consider inflation, the rising cost of dying, factor in private schools, and the expense of outfitting school policemen like the crack outfit in Uvalde — the ones that took a hour-long mid-massacre coffee break — it might exceed $20 billion.

Depending upon the size of the school and whether the “school resource officer” is inclined to engage, the median salary could be around $100,000. Then there's the cost of bulletproof glass and metal detectors.

Comparatively, projected online gun and ammo sales for 2022 are $2.3 billion. Twenty million firearms were sold last year but apparently we haven't hit critical mass of good guys with guns quite yet. That'll happen about the same time tax cuts for the wealthy start trickling down.

In the meantime, well, let's put Checkpoint Charlie into our schools. Wait. We haven't addressed placing armed guards in every college, concert venue, Walmart and church, which, according to my crack research team of me, would cost about a ka-trillion dollars. But that's the price of freedom. Besides, think about how safe we'd feel. Just don't expect the gun industry to pay for it. Maybe we can tax morticians. They're making a killing.

As Lauren Boebert, the towering intellect of the U.S. House, said, if only Jesus had AR-15's his government wouldn't have killed him. Imagine Jesus and the disciples packing heat — the original Dirty Dozen! Is Lee Marvin still alive? Your country needs you for a remake.

That seals it for me. If a guy who could walk on water, fly (ascend), turn water into wine, raise the dead, and out-fish Kent Hrbek, still got crucified, by all means, arm the congregation. America ...

A chicken in every pot.

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An armed guard in every building.

Ahhh, it smells like freedom.

Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service. This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of this publication, nor Forum Communications ownership.

Related Topics: NORTH DAKOTA
Opinion by Tony Bender
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column from North Dakota for Forum News Service.
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