Bender: Mostly strange with scattered weirdness

"Guys like me are always accused of being elitists, but it's hard not to, especially when so many of the people in the news lately are ... umm ... well ... bless their hearts."

Tony Bender
Tony Bender

I trust that future academicians will view this chapter in history the way we do the kindergarten construction paper artwork our moms tucked away for us — with acknowledgment that, societally, we've stopped eating glue, survived the pimples and angst that accompany teenage democracies, and evolved. Now, though, we're acting pretty juvenile for a bunch of grownups.

I was amused to meet a semi the other day with a grill cover reading “Let's Go, Brandon,” like it's the cleverest thing in the world. Pro tip: It's not. In the genteel south, they've been saying, “Well, bless your heart,” for decades, and there isn't a classier way of telling someone to eff off than that. Old school cool. Much cooler than dropping $300 to advertise an underdeveloped sense of humor. And while you're at it, pull my finger.

Now that I've wandered into trucking news, I suppose I'm obligated under the Columnist Code of Ethics to comment. Kidding. There's no such thing, but I'll comment, anyway. I must know at least a dozen truckers, so I think I understand the premise. Get from Point A to Point B as efficiently as possible. Time is money, so, basically, this very slim percentage of truckers protesting rules (GASP!) is holding their own industry hostage.

SCENE ONE: The crisis negotiation team arrives to find a trucker aiming at his foot. “Don't come any closer or I'll shoot!” Leadfoot Lenny warns. They compromise, and instead, he just holds his breath until he turns blue.

It's getting weird out there.


Guys like me are always accused of being elitists, but it's hard not to, especially when so many of the people in the news lately are ... umm ... well ... bless their hearts.

For one, I simply can't shake the vision of Marjorie Taylor Greene warming her gazpacho with Jewish space lasers. Or imagining myself sitting at home one night when the front door flies open. Since I'm white, they don't shoot, but I'm still terrified.

“OMG! Are you the Gazpacho!?”

“Kinda. Grubhub, actually. We've got your Panera Bread order.”

Seriously, how am I not supposed to feel superior to Marjorie Taylor Greene? Or Donald Trump, for that matter. Joe Biden's certainly had a rocky first year, highlighted in part by a program to deliver Biden Pipes to crackheads, but at least he hasn't eaten his own homework.

"A bill before the Legislature in Bismarck ... would remove from the North Dakota Game and Fish Department their authority to regulate deer baiting. ... This is foolishness."

Last week, a former White House aide revealed that part of the stable genius's master plan for destroying evidence included digesting incriminating documents. It's all part of Toiletgate, and lends insight into Donald Trump's 2019 fixation with America's waning flushing capacity, something that nearly ended us during the 1962 Cuban Crapper Crisis.

It turns out that Trump sometimes plugged White House toilets with flushed documents and stored other top-secret documents at Mar-a-Lago, which I suppose is at least as secure as Hillary's server.

Think about it. We've become so desensitized to weirdness that in the American news cycle, we barely bat an eye at any of this, and yet, Richard Nixon, in trying to cover up the activities of the White House Plumbers during Watergate, was sunk by an 18-minute gap on a key recording. Trump, however? In this day and age? He's still got a shot to be reelected.


Win one for the Flusher?

Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service. This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of this publication, nor Forum Communications ownership.

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