Bender: Post-election predictions
Tony Bender's column deadline was Monday, the day before elections. So here are his best guesses on the current state of the country.
Well, the midterms are over, and what a celebration Sheriff Herschel Walker had — free Plan B for attendees and Babel software to help supporters decode his victory speech. When we help Putin invade Ukraine under the next administration, he'll make a great Wind Talker.
Newly elected Arizona Gov. Kari Lake — or as she's otherwise known, “Marjorie Taylor-Greene Lite,” offered Botox door prizes and issued an executive order that all cameras henceforth must have Vaseline on the lenses.
And I suspect The Doctor of Oz won in Pennsylvania but only after it was revealed that John Fetterman drinks the blood of Munchkins.
That's my best guess, anyway. My deadline was Monday, so these are educated guesses. You remember education, right? Those dark days when Commie infiltrators indoctrinated students with dangerous ideas like the truth — the subversive fiction that Joe Biden legitimately won the presidency and other nonsense about Democracy and the Constitution? Thankfully, we're electing people who know better.
Am I the only one who finds elections a tad tedious and, frankly, un-American, especially when Republicans lose? A very stable genius dictator would be much more efficient. As Roger Stone once said, “The only way to save America is to kill it.” I think it was Roger Stone, anyway. Coulda been Mao Tse Tung. Otherwise, as I understand it after listening to common-sense radio programming, we face mandatory transgenderism. And electric cars.
Meanwhile in Fargo, after resounding statewide approval of recreational marijuana, police officers, proving to be awesome good sports, cleared out evidence lockers and hosted a belated Weed Trick or Treat Extravaganza.
There were initial concerns that “addicts” would storm the kiosk, however, so armored personnel carriers and SWAT-team snipers were on standby, but the only real mishap occurred when city Commissioner Dave Piepkorn collapsed with a contact high.
Fortunately, his fall was cushioned by the prone bodies of the homeless, and he regained consciousness, uninjured, his IQ holding steady at the overnight low, with a new appreciation for Phish. In an unrelated story, four bakeries were burgled and 73 people were struck by trains.
I won an election side-bet so that's why this week you'll see my colleague Rob Port wearing Cara Mund's tiara or, as he calls it, “downsizing.” Also, in the wake of his shocking defeat at the hands of Katrina Christiansen, deposed Sen. John Hoeven ruefully reconsidered his election strategy of trying to impress the party faithful by aligning with coup-meister Benedict J. Trump. “I should have gone with Stalin,” Hoeven moaned from an undisclosed location.
The womenfolk are taking over, folks, forcing Mr. Fix-It, Kelly Armstrong, to seek employment at a John Deere dealership in Elgin to make ends meet. Equality is one damn slippery slope.
Perhaps Janne Myrdal and the rest of the Inquisition can restore the status-quo and keep these overeducated broads barefoot and pregnant as God intended. Or in Crocs, at least. And maybe we can make Luke Simons hall monitor in Bismarck to keep our token female legislators in line.
One final observation: After engineering passage of term limits legislation, the Bastiats may have gotten ahead of themselves by immediately declaring Hazelton Rep. Jeff Magrum King of North Dakota.
Nevertheless, change is upon us, moving at breakneck speed. Flip the calendar ahead to 1958. I hear that Edsel is going to be a humdinger.