Bender: The Post-Independence (Day) Quiz
"Special thanks to those who lost fingers, eyes, and loved ones defending your constitutional right to fireworks. Freedom has a price."
Hello, patriots — why does autocorrect keep changing that to patoots? Special thanks to those who lost fingers, eyes, and loved ones defending your constitutional right to fireworks. Freedom has a price. Ask Harold Hamm. Also, thoughts and prayers to Sen. Cramer who recently injured his finger doing “yard work.”
Welcome to the Post Independence (Day) Quiz, brought to you by Liver Sausage, slogan: “Eat it. Kids are starving in China.” Other slogan: “Someday, you might have to eat gopher tails!” (My dad.)
1. What can you no longer do in North Dakota?
- a. Drive to Moorhead with your girlfriend without arousing suspicion
- b. Rollerskate in a buffalo herd
- c. Rollerskate into Amber Heard
- d. Eat boogers
2. If Trump was so good for the economy, why can’t you afford $4.68 gas?
- a. I dunno, but it’s good every Republican voted against the price-gouging bill.
- b. Nigerian prince is having trouble getting me my Bitcoin.
- c. Suspicious of cars that'll go 300 miles on $6.50 in electricity.
- d. Spent $68k on an SUV.
3. According to Jan. 6 testimony, Trump threw his plate against the wall because:
- a. He hates China.
- b. Doing heil salute and forgot he was holding the plate
- c. Served him catsup instead of ketchup.
- d. Nuclear suitcase unavailable.
4. What the heck's going on with the Twins bullpen?
- a. It’s a bear market.
- b. Snorting too many marijuanas
- c. Thanks, Brandon.
- d. Rocco Baldelli can’t pronounce “Rowengartner.”
5. Why are teachers leaving in droves?
- a. Something to do with the Oxford comma.
- b. Cashing in crypto earnings and now they’re set.
- c. Lucrative openings for alternate electors.
- d. Because “droves” is an underutilized word.
6. I’m proud to be an American because:
- a. At least I ain’t no Demoncrat.
- b. At least I have my guns.
- c. At least it’s just a yeast infection.
- d. I’m thinking, I’m thinking …
7. Life begins:
- a. When Clarence Thomas says so.
- b. With morning wood.
- c. When they become altar boys.
- d. When you swat your secretary's caboose.
8. What're the Proud Boys so proud of?
- a. Check their Grindr profile.
- b. Happiness is a Warm Gun
- c. Continued softball dominance over Oath Keepers.
- d. Extensive frozen puppy collection.
9. People are saying Trump grabbed the wheel from his driver, and we’re not saying that happened, but people are saying it, so if it happened, and it probably didn’t, but as a matter of pure speculation, why would he do that?
- a. “I want to go to McDonalds, Mommy!”
- b. Can’t drive 55.
- c. He was just massaging the man's clavicles.
- d. Aiming for BLM protesters.
10. Why, from 2015 to 2022, according to Statista Research, do 39% of fatal police shootings involve Blacks?
- a. Officers spending little time at the firing range.
- b. He went for his cellphone.
- c. White guys (16%) are more athletic.
- d. Something to do with state’s rights.
BONUS: Kevin Cramer said he’d love four more years of:
- a. Lies, graft, and corruption.
- b. Anti-democratic political violence.
- c. A Trump presidency.
- d. All of the above.
Answers: 1. a; 2. b; 3. b; 4. d; 5. c; 6. d; 7. c; 8. d; 9. a; 10. b; BONUS: d. Scoring: 11-9 correct: Now, there's a Red Flag. 6-8: That's more like it. 3-5: Next time, I'll type slower so you can keep up. 0-2: Kid friggin' Rock! Who knew you followed me? Or could read.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service. This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of this publication, nor Forum Communications ownership.