Bender: Women are now second-class citizens
"An unscientific, unprovable, religiously inspired standard establishes personhood at conception or soon thereafter. Conveniently, by adopting such spurious, simplistic pablum, anti-women's rights zealots can claim abortion is MURDER! Please. Not even Republican strategists believe that. It's political misdirection to keep the rubes riled up."
Blessed day. First off, congratulations, Black Men, for attaining more rights than White Women. Oh, you'll still get shot at. You didn't technically get more rights, they got less. Addition by subtraction, but, hey, it's something. If recently leaked documents outlining the overturn of Roe v. Wade hold, women will officially become second class-citizens.
Clarification: Wealthy harlots will still get abortions. However, harlots of modest means will be under the thumb of the GOP mullahs running the Un-united States of Gilead. Breeding stock. Say, honey, grab me a beer, wouldya? And remember to walk two steps behind me when we go out. As evidence that Republicans have evolved, however, chicks no longer have to be barefoot and pregnant. Now, you can wear Crocs.
After the news broke, some liberals in my circle began eating their young. Metaphorically. Relax, Q-publicans, no babies were consumed during the writing of this column. For one thing, it was a Friday, and I'm thinking about going Catholic. I had mermaid hotdish, instead.
Some lefties blamed Democrats because Republicans cheated their way to a Supreme Court majority. Victim shaming, sure, but what did they expect dressed like that?
Other hypersensitive acquaintances took me to task for an ambiguous Facebook post loosely connecting testicle tanning to unwanted pregnancies. A joke, people. “Too soon,” one Karen complained. (Apparently, sitting shiva is a requirement on this issue.) Another woman argued that irony's no longer a legitimate literary tool in these fractious times.
“Don't tell me what to do with my testicles!” a man interjected.
One whiner was upset because my humor involved — get this — other humans. At a time like this! Some decided that if the Democrats can't do better than this, they'll simply stop voting.
Surrender's always an option. I guess.
I won't say some presumed liberal allies acted like bigger dinks than typical Q-publicans, but it was close. I feel I deserve better. After all, I've got a long, published history of supporting women's rights and tan testicles. I seriously considered calling Rob Port to see if he wanted to switch sides. His jerks seem nicer than my jerks, or at least more consistent.
“Remind me again why I'm a liberal,” I asked someone.
“Backstage passes at concerts, you don’t have to wear business suits, and you can have long hair without questions about your sexuality,” she said. “Plus, ObamaPhones, and don't forget the weed. Especially the weed.”
“OK, I'm back in.”
Twist my arm.
We know the arguments. Among mine is that Big Brother shouldn't establish rights for one “person” by taking them from another. Especially if one of them is fiction. It's not unreasonable to believe that the definition of human life should involve consciousness.
Instead, an unscientific, unprovable, religiously inspired standard establishes personhood at conception or soon thereafter. Conveniently, by adopting such spurious, simplistic pablum, anti-women's rights zealots can claim abortion is MURDER! Please. Not even Republican strategists believe that. It's political misdirection to keep the rubes riled up.
Confusingly, the ruling would throw the issue back to the states, meaning that in half of them, MURDER would still be sanctioned. Huh. Baby steps, I suppose.
Breathe, freedom-loving liberals, and remember there's opportunity in all circumstances — 70% of Americans support some level of choice. There's an opening for a blue wave in the midterms.
You can get mad, sure. You can also do something about it.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service. This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of this publication, nor Forum Communications ownership.