FARGO — If Facebook is accurate — and you can't question the veracity of the social media platform that's turned millions of Americans into frothing, misinformed, angry morons — North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum's meet-and-greet in Iowa was closer to a one-man show than a presidential launch.
A page run by the Republican Party of Story County, host of the gathering, indicates four (4) people attended the event at a bakery in Nevada on March 24.
Nevada, by the way, is a city in Iowa, not the state in which Las Vegas is located. We don't know if there's an Iowa, Nevada, but we do know there's an Oregon, Ohio, and a Wyoming, Minnesota.
Who's on first? Yes.
Who? Yes.
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I'm asking who's on first! Absolutely.
Anyway, it's believed Burgum is testing the presidential waters by dipping his Carhartts into the early caucus state of Iowa . That was the supposed purpose of the gathering.
That only four (4) people turned out for Burgum is not as dire as it seems. The same Facebook page showed six (6) people saying they were interested in meeting and greeting Burgum, which is better than four (4), but sources say two didn't show when they found out there wouldn't be free kolaches.
Burgum's gotta learn how much people love free kolaches. Hand them out at the Fargo-Cuba border and the nine (9) workers who've moved to North Dakota because of the governor's "Find the Good Life" campaign would be well into the low double-digits.
Drawing a crowd that could fit into a phone booth, if they still existed, should not dissuade Burgum from running for president. A small Republican turnout in Story County is not unexpected since it's home to Iowa State University and therefore tons of America-hating liberals who get their jollies indoctrinating our kids that Black people and gays exist.
Rumor is, on the same night Burgum was at the bakery in Nevada (Iowa) being drowned out by the sound of crickets there was a public orgy down the road in Ames that included people dressed like Mickey Mouse and Alvin Bragg.
Disgusting! Everybody knows no real Iowan would dress woke for an orgy.
In Real Iowa, it's Vladimir Putin and Sean Hannity that get people's engines cranking. Every once in awhile you'll still see somebody dressed like the late Rush Limbaugh, but that's a little too creepy even for Iowa. Now if you're talking South Dakota ...
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Had Burgum gone to Real Iowa, he probably would've drawn a crowd of seven or eight. Real Iowa plus free kolaches? Then you're looking at 14 with an outside chance at 20, depending on the quality of the kolaches.
Burgum should run because it'd be good for North Dakota. He could tell the inspiring story of the state's economic success.
"Harold Hamm figured out how to get our oil out of the ground. Any other questions?"
More important, it'd be good for North Dakota's media. Specifically, me. Can you imagine the material? Burgum jousting with Ron DeSantis, Nikki Haley, Mike Pence, Mike Pompeo and, of course, the GOP elephant in the room — Vivek Ramaswamy. Two tech wonks debating crypto. Those columns will fly off the fingertips.
Getting the chance to spend several days at the Iowa State Fair in the company of Scott Hennen to chronicle a North Dakotan making history as a presidential candidate has long been a goal, just ahead of having my thumbs smashed with a hammer while Janna Myrdal lectures me on the ills of abortion.
Maybe I could convince the boss to send Tony Bender along for the corn dog jokes. Would take the edge off.
Speaking of corn dogs, is there any doubt DeSantis wouldn't stand a chance against Burgum on a debate stage? Come to think of it, is there any doubt DeSantis wouldn't stand a chance against a corn dog on a debate stage? Dude's got the charisma of the wooden stick in a corn dog.
Announce a run, governor. You don't want that nerd Ramaswamy getting the upper hand. He's already ahead of you two books to none and he's a regular on Hannity. No worries, though. Now you know the power of kolache. Throw a little free kuchen at the Iowawegians and he won't stand a chance.
The Trust Project
