McFeely: It's exhausting to be outraged all the time
From migrant caravans to Hunter Biden's laptop to gay M&Ms to gas stoves, Republicans have something new to stew over every day
FARGO — Ran into my Republican friend Droog Gunderson the other day and he looked exhausted. Bags under his eyes, drooping posture, slurred speech. Droog spends most of his winters in a fish house since he can't farm when the ground is frozen, so I figured the Busch Light was going down easy the previous night.
You look a little under the weather today, I offered. Walleyes biting late?
"Naw, haven't been fishing in weeks. Just a lot going on. Haven't been sleeping good."
Oh no. Everything OK?
"OK? No, everything's not OK. I said there's a lot going on. First they're making gay M&Ms, then they're trying to take away our gas stoves and now there's Chinese balloons floating over us. It's one thing after another."
Wait, what? Gay M&Ms? And we shot down the balloon ... oh, hang on. Been watching Fox News again?
"Well I sure as shooting ain't going to watch the Communist News Network or read the New York Slimes. It's either Fox or Facebook for me. That's where you get the real story."
I'm not so sure Fox and Facebook are pillars of truth, but that's a chat we can have another day. You're saying you've been a little stressed out over the, ahem, news you've been seeing lately?
"How can you not be? Day after day after day it's something else that gets my blood boiling. Migrant caravans, killer vaccines, Hunter Biden's laptop, Disney, Fauci, Confederate statues, critical race theory, transgenders, 'The Proud Family,' drag shows, gas stoves, gay M&Ms, this Chinese balloon. Every day you liberals are doing something else to ruin this country. I'm outraged about something new every day. Freedom is exhausting."
Doesn't sound like you're free at all. Sounds like you're being held hostage by a bunch of made-up nonsense you see on TV.
"Look, Tucker doesn't make things up except when he does. Which the courts said is OK, by the way. Anyway, this time it's obvious he's not making anything up. When he says they turned the green M&M into a tennis-shoe wearing lesbian because it was too sexy with high heels, it's pretty hard to argue."
I just figured it was a TV commercial for mediocre candy.
"And I suppose you think taking away our gas stoves is no big deal, either? Slippery slope, buddy. Today our gas stoves, tomorrow our turkey fryers."
Nobody is coming for your gas stove. Or your turkey fryer. And didn't your wife make you get rid of your turkey fryer because you almost burned down your garage?
"That's not the point. The point is they can pry my gas stove from my cold, dead hands. Like Thomas Jefferson said, 'The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants who make me cook on those electric coil things.'"
He never said that. And glass-top electric stoves are pretty slick, not like the things we had in 1987.
"I don't care. All I know is my way of life here in real America is under attack. Used to be we had white guys running things, the gays kept to their ownselves, the Blacks knew their place, men dressed like men and American history was about cowboys and Indians. Now we got gay M&Ms and the cops can't kill a Black guy without people getting all upset. And every time I turn on the TV, Hannity says public schools are trying to turn kids into transgenders and make them pee in litter boxes."
There's a chance you're getting played. You should shut off the TV and your phone and go fishing. Clear your mind. Bring a book with you. Relax a little bit.
"A book? You want me to read a book? I suppose you want me to read one of those books DeSantis wants banned, one about pee-pees and wee-wees or a penguin with two dads. Typical sicko liberal. Just what Gutfeld said you guys would do."
Maybe you should just get some sleep. You seem exhausted.
"I'm too outraged to sleep. Day after day after day, it's something new. Tucker says we gotta stay vigilant. He doesn't see it stopping."
Kind of amazing how that works, isn't it? Good luck to you, old friend. And the rest of us, too.