Here’s what I want to know: Why should the professional sports guys have all the fun? Why should the Izzos, Kolpacks, McFeelys and the rest of their knowledgeable ilk get all the ink and airtime simply because they know what they’re talking about? Knowledge is as overrated as sushi.
I mean, really now, in today’s political world, confidence has certainly trumped qualifications. Consider the presidential candidates. I rest my case.
So before the big gridiron matchup on the crusty turf of Frisco, Texas, pitting my beloved alma mater North Dakota State University against the bad guys, I want in on the commentary.
Saturday morning I’ll be safely wrapped in my new Christmas fleece Bison blanket proper and primed on my basement couch with my iPhone on the Inforum Bison Blog, radio turned to Scott Miller and Phil Hansen, and sound turned down on ESPN.
It’s not that I have anything against ESPN. For example, it’s very easy to spell. I’m used to staying loyal to the Bison broadcasting team. I prefer them over the local TV team that covers the regular season. I’m sure they’re nice guys but one of them stole one of Phil Hansen’s brands: his weekly “Keys to the Game” segment. One of those guys took the same phrase “keys to the game” and uses it as his own. Not original, my friends.
That would be the same kind of guy who claims credit for naming his town East Grand Forks. Wow, how did you ever think of that?
Anyway, back to Mr. Hansen, whom I have nicknamed “Bison before Buffalo Bill Phil,” the only man I’ve ever met with Super Bowl rings and a personal friend of Scotty Miller.
I admire his insight and strategy every week during his Keys to the Game spot. I know he’s right when he cautions about stopping the offense, avoiding the penalties, keeping the routes clear and avoiding the turnovers.
I can’t take anything away from him or criticize the finesse of any of his inside knowledge. And although I only played three-quarters of organized football in my boyhood before I quit the game forever and went back to collecting Superman comics, I think I have the confidence to offer the Bison some advice for the championship game.
So I’d like to offer Stark’s Observational Strategies (SOS) for the Herd. Advice that I promise you won’t find anywhere else for the big game or from any one of our professional sports guys – as much as I admire them.
No. 1. Wear shoes. There is no recorded history of a college win by any team that took the field barefoot. Don’t bother to look it up – I already did that for you.
No. 2. Don’t forget the shoelaces – it’s a given. I’m sorry that I even have to mention it to you.
No. 3. Avoid Kryptonite. That one I learned from Superman comics. Your fans all believe you guys are men of steel.
No. 4. It’s another championship game and we’re behind you like a tail on a bison. Think of the blood in our veins and the ink in this newspaper that has pumped a little harder, stronger and happier just because of you!
Stark is a Forum editorial cartoonist, presenter of illustrated history programs and a Theodore Roosevelt interpreter. He will be writing a column for The Forum’s editorial pages twice a month. Email sstark@cableone.net
