Amid all the reality TV hoopla, I'm a bit disappointed that no one has offered to videotape my life.
Don't laugh.
Judging by some of the flotsam clogging up prime time, I believe my family life would make excellent television.
Initially, I thought there must be some set of criteria to be on reality TV. Like you had to be young and attractive, as in the "Real World." Or adventurous and mercenary, as in "Survivor." Or talented in a one-hit-wonder sort of way, as in "American Idol."
But it soon grew apparent that people will watch anything as long as it is "real." How else can we explain the fervor over "Joe Millionaire" -- a show so silly that it made me long for the days of quality television like "Hello, Larry."
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So now I've decided my life would make superb reality TV fodder.
Well, maybe not superb, but at least as exciting as the book readings on C-SPAN.
After all, how many people live in Kragnes, Minn.? And how many of those people have exciting and interesting pets? And how many of those Kragnes-dwelling pet owners are double-jointed -- in both thumbs?
It could have a really snappy title. Something like "Married by Pastor Bjorlie."
Just imagine the thrill of it all:
Episode One: Husband Irwin and I watch television. At one point, we argue whether the mystery food on the bottom shelf of the fridge is macaroni and cheese or chili.
Episode Two: Irwin and I briefly discuss cleaning up the lawn, which our trouble-making dog, Jake, has littered with broken Frisbees, pieces of carpet, branches and someone else's dog bowl. Thankfully, snow falls, covering the garbage. We watch television for the rest of the evening.
Episode Three: In a hurry to get to work, I lock myself out of the house. The car keys are locked in as well. I spend the remainder of the episode sitting on fertilizer bags, trying to reach Irwin on my half-dead cell phone.
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Episode Four: Controversy threatens to rock our once-cozy home. Will Irwin get to hang his wildlife prints in the office, or will I "accidentally" back over them with the car?
Episode Five: Again, our marriage is tested to its limits when Irwin tapes over my Joan Crawford marathon with "Dune: The Director's Cut."
Episode Six: We get a new area rug.
Episode Seven: We drag out the garbage, only to discover the garbage guy came last week. Confusion ensues.
Episode Eight: Discussion arises as to whether we should have started the dog on table scraps, as it seems to cause violent gastric distress. We decide to stop doing so. The closing scene shows us eating dinner, with Jake staring at us as if we were the fat, old workhouse guards and he were Oliver Twist.
Episode Nine (sweeps): We fill out our tax forms. Will we get money back or won't we? Will we be able to claim the computer as a work expense? Will we need to consult H&R Block?
Tune in to the gripping season finale to find out!
Swift writes a weekly column for The Forum. She can be reached by e-mail at tammy.sletten@ndsu.nodak.edu
