Tammy Swift column: Making a psychic connection with pets

I've discovered a new guilty pleasure.

It's a crazy show on cable's Animal Planet, called "The Pet Psychic." (That's Channel 59 in Fargo.)

The Monday-night program centers around a willowy, high-cheekboned Englishwoman named Sonya Fitzpatrick, who reads the minds of our favorite dogs, cats, lizards, hamsters and -- yes -- zebras, to see what they are thinking.

Now, I don't think it's always a good idea to know what our pets are thinking. I have enough trouble trying to figure out whether I'm happy -- much less whether my cat is, too. And I'm pretty sure my puppy's biggest concerns are what he can chew on next and where he can relieve himself when no one is looking.

Still, "The Pet Psychic" is so nutty I can't resist it. It makes "The Osbournes" look like C-SPAN.

First, Fitzpatrick makes personal visits to people's homes. Later, she communicates with animals that have been brought to her TV set by the studio audience.

In a recent episode, she visited a woman who had recently acquired a new boyfriend. The cat had started wetting the boyfriend's side of the bed.

I don't really think you need to fly in a pet psychic to figure that one out: The cat obviously hates the new guy. But this woman was so befuddled by the cat's behavior that she needed to bring Fitzpatrick -- and attendant TV cameras -- to her door.

As the flustered tortoise-shell hid under the couch, glowering at the cameras, Fitzpatrick "communicated" with the cat. Her verdict: Either the guy or the cat had to go.

The cat owner was amazed: How did Fitzpatrick ever figure this out? She hadn't expected such a black-or-white solution. I had seen this coming for miles: I wondered if that qualified me as a pet psychic.

Now, I actually do buy into some psychic phenomenon. I even sometimes buy into Sonya Fitzpatrick. Maybe it's that British accent; it adds some sort of formal credibility to even her nuttiest statements.

But even I have to laugh sometimes, as Sonya gazes into a snake's eyes and gravely announces "Mr. Slither would like more heat lamps."

Still, I was intrigued enough to try communicating with my own pets, using suggestions gleaned from Sonya's own Web site ( www.sonya

fitzpatrick.com).

As per her instructions, I closed my eyes to get into a "calm and tranquil" state of mind. I visualized my cat and silently uttered, "Sebastian."

To my surprise, he hissed back, "What now?"

"Sebastian, are you happy?"

"Are you nuts? You got a puppy! I can't believe the level of betrayal. You are an idiot. Do you want to know what I really think of you ..."

I quickly switched that psychic channel off. I then turned to Jake, the Puppy with the World's Smallest Bladder.

"Jake, are you happy?"

"Joy! Joy! Love petunias! Gotta dig petunias! Boy, oh, boy, where's the cat? Where's the cat? Ooh, what's that smell? Gotta follow that smell ... Mmmmm, cat food. Do you mind if I chew on those clogs? Is that a squirrel? Excuse me, I have to go bark at the garden hose ..."

Just what I thought. Some things are better left unsaid.

Swift is Features Editor of The Forum. Readers can reach her at (701) 241-5524