It could be my last concession to adulthood.
I now have a job that requires getting up in the morning. Early. Like before the sun is even up.
This has thrown a real wrench in my life's main goal, which was to sleep in for the rest of my life.
In case you haven't guessed, I have long equated morning with "mourning." I traditionally greet mornings with the enthusiasm of Martha Stewart greeting a financial investigation.
I do not speak English before 1 p.m. I make no apologies for anything I do -- including drooling and causing five-car pile-ups -- before noon.
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But this new job has opened up a whole new world to me. Much has been learned in the past five weeks.
Apparently, there is a whole population of people who get up early every day.
And here's the shocking part. Many of these people actually like it.
I know, I know. I was just as amazed upon witnessing this.
But there are real, live humans who burst out of bed like they're starring in an orange juice commercial, actually stand in the shower without support of a chair, and proceed to smile at anyone who crosses their paths while happily humming, "Zippidy-doo-dah."
Some of these fine folks even choose to make sudden, jarring movements -- like jogging or aerobics -- as dawn beckons.
Personally, I think this "morning thing" is just a fad. It won't take long for dairy farmers to realize it's just as easy to milk Bessie at around 11 a.m. -- and Bessie will appreciate the beauty sleep.
"Morning people" are not my only new discoveries. I've enjoyed a slew of other revelations:
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-Apparently, and I am not making this up, there is some sort of meal that precedes lunch. I believe it's called -- say it slowly with me -- "brreeaaakfaast."
This discovery has uncovered a whole other mystery to me: For years, I assumed Coco-Puffs were a party snack. Go figure.
-Rumor has it that mornings are signified on clocks by the initials "a.m." The word on the street is that this means "after midnight." This ends a great mystery for me, as I'd long assumed it meant "asleep more."
-The sun rises in the east.
-You can actually wear out the "Snooze" function on your alarm clock.
Especially if you throw the clock against the wall.
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah ...
Tammy Swift writes a weekly column for The Forum. Direct e-mail to her at tammy.swift@ndsu.nodak.edu
