I love those MasterCard commercials.
You know the ones.
They expertly fuse cold, hard capitalism with fuzzy sentiments.
Sure, it's expensive to buy a BMW and a gold-plated Xbox for your 16-year-old son. But doesn't the half-hearted hug he gives you in exchange just make it all worthwhile?
I've decided this bottom-line approach could be applied to virtually everyone in our households.
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Granted, I'm not one to "keep track" of expenditures or bills or even my checkbook. Still, I think the financial demands of my housemates -- as well as yours truly -- would make an ideal commercial.
Imagine this for Jake, the family pooch: Footage of a white Lab, in all his floppy-eared glory, gamboling across a green lawn, catching Frisbees in his mouth and pulling small children out of wells.
A silken-throated voiceover begins:
"Vet bill when dog gets head stuck in leaf mulcher bag: $300.
"Price of kiddie pool for the only Lab in the Upper Midwest who turns out to be afraid of water: $20.
"Price of a kennel and insulated dog house: $150.
"Price of doggie door when dog refuses to use the kennel: $80.
"Price of high-tech, motion-detector doggie door when dog refuses to use doggie door: $150.
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"The pleasure of seeing him drag home a frozen rat carcass from the river?
Priceless."
This could work just as easily for Sebastian, the family feline. This time, footage would be of a magnificent black cat lolling in the sun, playing with yarn and happily licking his new friend, the dog.
Voiceover: "Price of cat immunizations: $75.
"Elaborate catnip-spiked cat toys that he forgoes for a crumpled wad of paper: $35.
"Price of Norwegian sweater he chews full of holes: $200.
"Total surgical costs for a kidney stone: $580.
"Special cat food to prevent future kidney stones: $25/bag.
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"Vet bill when a battery of tests fails to find true cause of cat's inexplicable sneezing, which magically disappears the day after vet exam: $220.
"The pleasure of owning an animal that doesn't know you're alive?
"Priceless."
I imagine the same commercial could be applied to me. Footage might show yours truly lovingly baking pies for my hubby, gamboling through a daisy-filled pasture and also catching a Frisbee in my mouth.
Voiceover:
"Price of one college education (pre-1990): $9,000.
"Dental bill for retainer that didn't quite take: $500.
"Bill for various diet plans -- including hypnosis and Aunt Mabel's Amazing Tapeworm Extract -- that didn't quite take: $5,000.
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"Lifetime cost of buying thin clothes, medium clothes and fat clothes: $25,000.
"Wedding dress: $600.
"Price of satellite when she declares she'd better be able to get 'The Simpsons' from her new home or she's getting a divorce: $45 a month.
"Price of receiver when she discovers a satellite means everyone under one roof has to watch the same channel: $35.
"Price of a wife who cooks once a month and shaves her legs just about as often?
"Priceless."
Swift writes a weekly column for The Forum. She can be reached by e-mail at tammy.sletten@ndsu.nodak.edu
